ESGAME
by Nightwing Writers
Summary: The Elven Support Group for Abused and Mistreated Elves. The Elves you've abused in your fics have finally banded together to help eachother with their problems. Chapter 8 up - a special session.
1. The First Meeting

**A/N:** Well, welcome to all new readers we've picked up in our expansion to the Lord of the Rings category. We felt that this would be appropriate since most of the members are from Middle Earth. If you have a problem with this, please send us a nice little review, and we'll move it immediately. For those of you who may not know, Dalamar is an evil elven mage from Dragon Lance, where this was originally.

**Disclaimer:** Neither Petalwing nor Dally owns any of the characters here, we're just helping them. If anyone knows an elf in need of counseling, please tell us, and hopefully at least one of us will have heard of them. Ideas for speakers are also accepted. Flames will be answered with a meeting with whichever character you're giving a hard time.

Petalwing: Actually we've got spells of protection and our own water-elemental. Flaming will be useless, but when you are really creative we give you the role of a sidekick in our show...

Dally: By the way, the rating will be going up next chapter due to slightly 'risqué' content. Hope you look for us again anyway! Now that I'm done dithering, you may read. Enjoy!

**Chapter 1 – The First Meeting**

In Palanthas, there is a very small inn called the Copper Kettle. So small, in fact, that many do not even know that it's there. This night, however, a steady stream of customers came creeping in. It was an odd bunch, though most didn't look too threatening. Finally, the trickle inward ceased. The people in the group were the only patrons.

Dalamar looked around, taking count. Yes, this was everyone. "Greetings. I am Dalamar Nightson, called Dalamar the Dark, and it is I who called all of you here."

The innkeeper looked up in surprise. The group, though motley, didn't look like the type that would be summoned by a dark mage. In one corner was a group of several elves, all in white. Sitting alone in the shadows in another corner was what the innkeeper could only assume to be another elf, yet this one was of a type never before seen on Krynn. This elf had dark skin and palest hair, as well as the signature ears.

Another hooded customer sat in the shadows, and this one too looked like no elf the innkeeper had ever seen. He actually looked more like an Irda, but that too seemed wrong. This one had blue skin that looked somehow stony to go with his ears.

The last sat in the center of the room, obviously liking to be the center of attention. He was much smaller then the rest of the group and on first sight one would likely have taken him for a kender. But the way he moved was unlike a kender, his hands had only four fingers each, which seemed quite natural for his kind, and his strange style of clothing showed that he came from far, far away. Just like the dark-skinned warrior in the corner, his hair was of a silvery white. His large blue eyes sparkled in mischief and a huge white wolf lay at his feet, half hidden under the table. The big white wolf scratched at something beneath her and if somebody had bothered to take a closer look, he would maybe have spotted the sad remains of a wooden sign. Some letters had formerly been painted on it. What was left of the text could probably be identified as "No Do s n here al wed!" Dalamar Nightson raised an eyebrow since pets or, in his little guest's case, riding animals, had not been invited. The rumors he had heard proved right. Wolfriders never went anywhere without their wolffriends. The silver-haired elf grinned brightly.

"Timmain will be quiet. You won't notice her."

"I hope so."

Then, Dalamar turned his attention to the rest of the group.

At Dalamar's introduction, the large group of elves in white looked apprehensive. The three men with golden hair looked towards a beautiful, wise looking woman, and the two young men with dark hair looked to an older one who might've been their father. The two leaders looked at each other, neither wanting to speak. Finally the woman did.

"Lord Dalamar, we came here under the impression that you were merely Moriquendi, an elf who never saw the light of the trees of the Valar. Not that you were actually evil." She lifted one elegant eyebrow.

A short snort could be heard out of a corner where the Elf with the dark skin sat.

"Him... a dark elf?" he snickered dryly. "Mr. Velvet-Robe doesn't look like he has ever seen the horrors of the underdark. Don't you have any real Drow in this world that people like you have to fill in the role of the prodigal race?"

While Dalamar put on a polite smile, his eyes narrowed at the obvious insult.

"At least I don't need black make-up to prove my evil attitude to the world," he snapped back, still smiling politely. Since he was not inclined to participate in any fight over ranks at this point, he didn't give the dark man any chance to answer. Instead, in a graceful manner, he turned to the woman, bowing politely.

"Forgive me Madame, for this deception." Dalamar's response was as elegant as her question had been. "However, I deemed it necessary, as you likely wouldn't have come otherwise. I ask you all, though, to forget your differences temporarily, so that we may have a chance to vent our anger. Yes, if you didn't know already, this is a support group for under-appreciated elves who are given outrageous caricatures by fanfiction authors.

"I thought a good way to start would be to introduce yourself, say what world you're from, and what your most frequent problems are. As the one who called this meeting, I will start.

"As I've already said, my name is Dalamar Nightson, and I live here on Krynn. I am frequently portrayed as gay; due to the fact I live in the same Tower as my master Raistlin, to whom I am a devoted apprentice. In those stories, I'm usually quite feminine, for no reason I can divine. I am also frequently shown as a nymphomaniac, likely due to an affair I had with Raistlin's sister." At his statement, there were sighs of pity from the other elves.

The elven woman in white was next to speak, and she led her group closer to the center of the room where Dalamar was seated, breaking a little of the tension. "I am Galadriel, Lady of Lothlorien in Middle-Earth. My most frequent problems are being portrayed as evil, conniving, cruel, and a puppet master.And if I am not evil and cruel, I am the greatest matchmaker for gay couples between Mordor and the Shire. I already contemplated a change of profession. You don't know how awkward it feels to have to tell my comrades about the "true feelings" they have for each other and then have to stalk and bug them until they commit to each other just out of sheer annoyance "

Next was one of the other golden-haired elves. "My name is Haldir, also from Middle-Earth, and I'm frequently portrayed as her sex toy." He smiled slightly, and motioned to Galadriel.

"That is, when I haven't already driven him into Legolas' arms." Galadriel added, patting Haldir's shoulder.

Dalamar saw this would become a long evening. He ordered a round of strong elven wine for everybody. Not all of his guests appreciated the expensive drink at first. The silver-haired wolfrider mumbled something about "dreamberries" and the blue-skinned refused the wine but asked for a strange drink called "coffee" instead. In the meantime the attention of the group turned to the elf sitting next to Haldir.

He was another from Middle-Earth. "My name is Glorfindel, and I'm usually arrogant, too self-conscious, and sometimes paired with Legolas."

"At least you are granted the privilege of arrogance," the blue skinned one muttered between two sips of coffee. "If you had to go through what I have, you would see it as a grace."

Dalamar frowned. He also didn't want too many independent arguments about who had it worse at that point. At least as long as not everybody had given his name to the assembled group. With a single gesture Dalamar cut off the blue-one's next comment and also Glorfindel's possible answer.

Instead, Dalamar motioned to a young elf next to him, who spoke. "I'm Legolas Prince of Mirkwood, and have problems with being paired with my **_friend_** Gimli the Dwarf, Glorfindel, the King of Rohan – which in fact makes me an adulterer - endless Mary-Sues, rabid fangirls, and almost everyone else imaginable.I truly fear the day that somebody will pair me up with Gollum. I started to be sexually frustrated. I can't take it anymore!" He sighed. The rest of his group patted him in sympathy. The young Legolas was by far the worst off from their group.

Next went the older dark haired elf. "I'm Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, and according to many authors am bossy, self-centered, and a bad father. And worst of all, I still weep over my old secret love Isildur. It's true, we were in the army together, and maybe we even shared a tent once or twice but I swear: There was nothing going on between us. Nothing!" Elrond put his head in his hands. "I swear..." they heard him mumble through his palms "

The two younger elves went together, obviously twins. "I'm Elladan,"

"And I'm Elrohir, and we're Elrond's sons. Who, incidentally, _is_ a bad father." He stuck out his tongue at his father.

At this, Elrond cut in, turning colors from his anger. "Just because I grounded you for changing all of the locks in Rivendell? I felt three months was lenient for that, especially seeing as time has no meaning for us!"

"Gentlemen?" Dalamar softly called them to attention. "We're supposed to be venting about authors, not each other. And not all of us are blessed with immortality. Though I am working on it... Anyway, can we continue with the introductions?"

The twins continued. "We're subject to many slash pairings. Not together usually. But we're also good for threesomes, sometimes... am I right, Leggy-poo, dear?"

Legolas rolled his eyes at one of his least favorite nicknames. "Apparently, because we often are shown as having them." Legolas' voice was dry as he answered.

At this point, Dalamar and the dark-skinned elf ordered a new round of wine nearly simultaneously. Both shared a glance of mutual understanding. The elves from Middle Earth had gotten it really tough and they all would need a lot of wine before they could face the current frustrations

The handsome elf near the center of the room spoke next. "I'm Skywise from the world of two moons. I'm portrayed as a nympho as well. But I'm not! I swear!Still I don't know why you are against threesomes. I really had some of my best experiences with Cutter, my best friend and his wife Leetah. No, don't look at me like that. It was not bad."

The other elves stared at their short-sized relative, astonished.

"You meant the fan-fiction writers made you participate in demonstrations of blunt, irritating promiscuity?" Elrond tried hesitantly.

Skywise blinked twice, obviously having a hard time to decipher Elrond's formulation. "No." he said finally, a broad smile on his lips. "That was canon. My only problem with fanfiction is that writers always pair me up with my chief and best friend. That fits the general preference for male parings, but that's also not really my point. I could live with that. What I cannot forgive is that they make him my only true love."

Elrond and Dalamar nodded in sympathy. The Lord of Rivendell had a depressed smile on his lips. "Yes, I know what you mean."

Skywise smiled back. "And they ignore the fact that I've bedded every available female, apart from trolls maybe, to prove I'm straight, goddammit!"

Dalamar chuckled darkly. "Forget it. That method doesn't work. I know, since in that respect the Kitiara-affair was totally useless. They keep saying you only like females as an excuse because you hide your real inner feelings. Especially because the female in question and my master were related. I should have asked Laurana instead."

Galadriel had just taken a sip from her elegant silver chalice. She put it down. "Hey, that is my line. Remember, I am the one who makes people admit their true feelings."

Odd looks were shot around the room, and then the blue one spoke. "My name is Zelgadis, and my party calls themselves "The Slayers". I'm not really an elf, but rather a chimera of undefined race, but I have pointed ears as well and can I please stay? I need the help and support. Though I'm not subject to endless Mary-Sues as some of you are, I'm mainly a victim of Slash pairings. I can run and hide, but the freaking demonic priest with the eternal grin will always hunt me down and than we... we..."

He couldn't speak further. It seemed to embarrassing to verbalize what happened afterwards. Logically the elves didn't need explanations. From their own experiences they could imagine the nature of Zelgadis' problem. The non-elf was so pitiful that the glances thrown about were unanimously kind.

"The sex-toy-stereotype again?" Dalamar asked, pouring wine into the chimera's empty coffee-mug.

"Exactly. It traumatizes me."

"I know." Dalamar answered gravely. "We're all traumatized, that's why we're here. But we won't go into details before everybody is introduced yet." He had to admit he had nearly forgotten the last participant. No wonder, since the man had chosen the most shadowy corner of the room to sit in and his dark skin and dark clothing would have made him blend with the dusky wooden wall behind him, if it hadn't been for his white hair. The overall attention focused on the foreign fighter.

Then he spoke. "I'm Drizzt Do'Urden, descendant of the house Do'Urden. And for those of you who don't know, I'm a Drow from Menzoberranzan, and I too have a major Mary-Sue and slash problem." he said shortly. "And regardless of my race's reputation I'm not evil." He gave Dalamar a quick glance.

By now, all of the elves had gathered around one large table in the center of the room, and were companionably drinking wine. Dalamar's head spun a little from the wine and finally the dark elf was in the right mood to announce the group's plan for the meeting tonight...

"Now that we've established everyone's problems, we need to think of ways to solve them. I had in mind bringing in some guest speakers, torturing a Mary-Sue, and venting in general. I'm open to all other ideas."


	2. A New Member?

**Disclaimer:** Neither of us owns anyone who is in need of counseling. Please don't sue us, lest we feel the need to join our own group. Warning – the rating of this chapter had to go up due to Skywise's perverted mouth.

**A New Member?**

The next week, the Copper Kettle filled with elves once more. "Welcome once more, all." Dalamar was once again leading the group, as it was on his home world. "Today, we're going to have a special treat. One of our own members is going to give a lecture on how he's coping with his problem. Skywise?" He sat, and Skywise began to rise.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and an odd looking creature came in. He was really short, with wrinkly skin, a carrot nose, huge ears, and what appeared to be sackcloth as a primitive outfit. "Is Dobby late? Master didn't give Dobby permission to leave, so it took Dobby forever to sneak out." At this, the odd creature started to bash his head against one of the tables, yelling vehemently: "Bad Dobby! Bad! Bad!"

One of the twins pulled him away. "Are you sure you're in the right place, uh, Dobby? This is the Elven Support Group for Abused and Mistreated Elves. Maybe you're in the wrong inn? Because I'm pretty sure ESGAME booked this one for the night."

The odd creature stared at the elf as though he'd grown a second head. "Of course Dobby is in the right place. Dobby is a House-Elf, whose Master is a very bad man." With that, he wrenched his arm away from the young elf and started beating himself against the table again.

At that proclamation, the Elves from Middle Earth and Drizzt exchanged horrified looks. That **_thing_**? And elf? Suddenly they realized. It must've injured itself permanently from all of it's head banging. They nodded to each other in relief. During this, Skywise was ignoring the creature; his only thought being to take back everyone's attention. Zelgadis wisely stayed silent, as he wasn't a true elf either, and was permitted to stay merely out of pity.

Dalamar, however, had a kind look on his hard face for once. So it was Dalamar who wrenched him away from the table this time. "What seems to be the problem with your master, Dobby?"

"Dobby isn't allowed to tell much, Sir. If Dobby says too much, Dobby will have to iron his hands when he gets back. But Master treats Dobby very badly." Compassion was written across Dalamar's face as he listened to the House-Elf's tale. He appeared to be ignoring the other elves' expressions of disdain.

"Well, Dobby, I guess you can stay then. Though this is mostly support for abuse from authors, I too have been abused by my Master. Take a seat." He was still diplomatically ignoring the others. "Now, Skywise, if you'll continue?"

Skywise tossed his hair, trying in vain to regain the attention of the others. "My lecture is entitled 'I'm a Sex Symbol and I've Found a Way to Accept It.'" Gasps were heard around the room. Skywise cleared his throat.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Elf Lords..." he began his speech. "And Ladies..." he added, bowing politely in Gladriel's direction and to the white wolf at his feet, earning himself raised eyebrows from the others.

"I know you all are frustrated about how you're treated by the fans. Since you are celebrities, your private life is open to public discourse in any respect. You've frequently been shown in the most private situations. Your only luck is that novel figures have no apparent digestion or you would also end up 'washing your hands' in front of the readers, if I dare say so. We all are stars shining brightly on the firmament of fandomly love and admiration. However, the most unnerving problem with being a star is people's insatiable interest in your love lives. This is quite natural, I dare say. Because they love you, they want to see you happy, reunited with the perfect love they designed just for you."

"If it is all about happiness, then why do we sometimes have to have been raped in the past, or have mental traumata, or have to undergo frequent pain and terror?" Dalamar asked skeptically. So far, Skywise's lecture had not made an impression about him. The wolfrider smiled.

"Because your perfect love will give you comfort and care. And you will relish in that care, brother, and you will be content. Be honest, Dal. If ever you have been hurt, who has been there for you to catch you and to enchant you with a worried look in their eyes?"

Everybody turned to Dalamar, waiting for the answer. Dalamar sighed and stared into his wineglass.

"Raistlin I suppose." he admitted, subdued. "And occasionally some random mistress..."

"Welcome to the wonderful mushy world of hurt and comfort." Skywise announced his arms spread as if he wanted to embrace them all. "You see, there's nothing humiliating about hurt and comfort. The humiliating part will just raise the inevitable all-healing sex to the dimension of a pseudo-religious experience. Tell me, fellow elves: Who did see stars and exploding suns when having their first, and of course best, sex of their lives? Who screamed his or her partner's name in perfect joy? Who experienced the cosmic salvation of bodily pleasure?"

Skywise looked around. The elves in his audience all stared at their glasses or at the table. Everybody avoided returning the glance of the grinning wolfrider. Obviously they all were embarrassed and some of them even blushed while remembering their own experiences. Dalamar heard Drizzt whisper something in his ear.

"Sometimes he reminds me of Frank N. Further." the Drow mumbled. "If somebody starts singing 'Rose Tints My World' I'll hack them to pieces." Drizzt occasionally tapped on his enchanted scimitars.

Dalamar nodded, the other elf's humor chasing away the deep embarrassment he felt. "I'll help you. A grin and a fireball solve every problem."

Meanwhile Skywise continued.

"I can see it in your ashamed faces, my friends. All of you know what I'm talking about. And I want you to see this as a privilege. Since it is so much better then what everybody else has. See the humans, the poor humans. I wonder if they even know what good sex is. They are frightened of their first time as long as they haven't had it. They are terribly disappointed when they finally have it, because to most of them the mating process is not in any kind as spectacular as our wonderful mind-blowing love-relations are. So what do the poor wretched creatures do? Yes! They'll go back to their pens and papers and they write about us, my friends. And they make us live a fantasy. A fantasy larger than life. And we are the ones who experience the three-lettered word as it should be, my friends. We are the perfect sex symbols. And we should learn to accept it."

The elves stared at Skywise, their faces masks of utter astonishment. Nobody spoke except for the Drow. Drizzt simply ordered "More wine."

"You see, I speak from experience." Skywise said. "Because in our world, we made this part of our canon. It's our Elvish philosophy. If anybody is hurt and needs help, the tribemates will take care of the elf in question. The Go-Back's tribe even has a word for this; they call it a 'roll in the furs.' Yes my friends, that's how it should be. We elves from the world of two moons discovered the soul-saving, therapeutic potential of hurt and comfort situations long ago. We are used to live with it. And I tell you, where is the problem with having fun with different partners of varying gender and race, hm? You should be open to new experiences. You should accept that it is sex, not money, that makes the world of fiction go round."

Skywise would have said more, but he was interrupted by Elrond. The Lord of Rivendell jumped from his chair.

"Enough!" he shouted. "We are here to find solutions to our problems, not to hear how wonderful it all is. It is not wonderful and I personally cannot see anything transcendent about being humiliated or being the one to do the humiliating. No, this is just sick. Especially when more then two persons are involved in the issue."

"Pah. You shouldn't let yourselves be imprisoned by old-fashioned moralizing prejudices. You'll just spoil all the fun."

"You perverted little elf."Elrond responded. "It must be the wolf-blood in your veins that makes you speak like this."

At Elrond's words, the white wolf growled ferally. Skywise bent down to caress the wolf's head.

"I may be called perverted, _Lord_ Elrond,"The wolfrider answered nonchalantly. "But at least I'm rarely made the sucker of the nation. You said they always make you an arrogant prick and a bad father. I think I just got a good impression why."

"How dare you insult Lord Elrond in this way?"Galadriel rose gracefully as Elrond began turning colors again. Though her voice was calm, it resonated all over the tavern. "He is an honorable man in any respect. You should beg forgiveness or..."

"Or what?" Skywise said.

Dalamar realized that the situation was about to slip out of control. The white wolf had stood up and stepped in front of Skywise in a possessive manner. The wolf watched Galadriel suspiciously and for a reason that nobody except him understood, the wolfrider grinned and yelled "Catfight!"

Galadriel and, surprisingly, the wolf both turned and looked at Skywise as if he were a nasty bug. "What?" The little elf raised his shoulders. "What did I say?"

At that moment Dalamar silenced all with a gesture. He thanked Skywise for the lecture but it wasn't quite what they had hoped for. "There must be other solutions." Dalamar concluded. "Maybe Skywise is not the right type for this group after all. Since he doesn't have any problems with sexual abuse by fans." He sighed, depressed that his first true act as unofficial leader of the group had failed so miserably.

Suddenly, Dobby broke the uncomfortable silence. "No one told Dobby this was all about **_that_**!" Dobby had a horrified look on his face. Finally, the shock grew just too much, and he fainted. As his head hit the floor with a thud, an automatic "Bad Dobby!" issued from his mouth. The other elves could only stare in shock.

**A/N:** Well, hope you all enjoyed. Please review, and PLEASE say more than 'was good, write more'. If there's something you liked, tell us! If there's something you didn't like, tell us! Galadriel approaches, a spiritual look on her face Let your troubles out, for only then can true healing begin! Authoresses shove her out of the way Anyway...

Guan: Thanks.

Ahn-Li Steffraini: Dally hadn't, Pet had, but neither of us have the time. Thanks for the offer, though!

SorcerousOne: Never knew Dally wrote things like this, did you? And remember – tell us what you think!

Juno Magic: I'm glad you liked this. It began as a joke while Dally was proofing Wishful Thinking for Petalwing, when we were saying how abused Dalamar always is. One of us then decided there should be a support group, and Dally decided she had to write it. She realized she couldn't do it alone, because several of the members she'd never met. And so this was created. We're not really sure what you meant about Elentar, but if you give us more of a lead, we'd be happy to look into it. And though this chapter is a bit contrary to this, we are not _only_ focusing on sexual abuse. Thanks for reviewing.


	3. Long Life, Prosperity, and Wine

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing that doesn't belong to us. No Elves were hurt in the making of this fic. Happy Turkey Day all! 

Juno Magic: Skywise comes from the comic series Elfquest. You'll find pics of the series and a storyline at It's great artwork! About Carrie Bradshaw, we've never seen it. Sorry. Glad you enjoyed so much.

Hehe: In which Pratchett novels did the elves appear? I've read some, but I can't recall any elves, no matter how hard I tried. Thanks for the review!

Jade: Sorry for the delay. The next chapter should be up soon.

Guan: Glad you enjoyed. Hopefully you'll find this chapter as enjoyable.

Lazy.Kender19: I don't lie. And I bet you can even guess who the shadowy figure is at the end of this chapter! Thanks for putting us on your page. As to further updates: we're hoping for two more chapters by the end of the year, and at least one by February. BTW, from Dalamar: sorry I haven't reviewed in a while, fanfictions been mean about reviews lately.

Sorcerous One: No need to get sarcastic! Well, Dobby wasn't technically invited, he just kind of showed up. And (as far as we know) there hasn't been any Dobby slash. Hope that makes you feel better. Partial explanation to your question coming in Chapter 4.

**Long Life, Prosperity, and Wine**

It was another weekend at the Copper Kettle. Business was good tonight, since the dark elf and his strange gang had again booked a back room in the tavern and ordered a round of wine. They didn't seem to be party people, all were very reserved and the bartender couldn't hear laughter or singing from their room as you might have guessed when a group of friends met to have wine in a tavern. If anything, he could've sworn he heard sobbing on occasion. He shrugged. Maybe that was due to the fact that they were a self-help-group. Whatever that meant, it sounded serious. And elves usually were said to be very serious people. The bartender shrugged and went back to washing glasses and cleaning the bar.

In the back room, the elves had just sat down and made themselves comfortable when Dalamar welcomed everybody and announced some recent changes. "First of all, I have to inform you that Skywise and I agreed that the aim of our group doesn't fit him too well. We decided that he will not attend on a regular basis anymore."

At this statement, the elves from Middle Earth looked relived. The Lord of Rivendell let out an especially relieved breath. "It was about time." he muttered. "However," Dalamar went on. "Skywise still wants to support our goal and therefore, he offered to work as an external agent, so to speak. You see, my work as Raistlin's apprentice takes most of my time and it is not easy for me to organize everything for this group. Skywise volunteered to help in finding new guests speakers and promised to look out for Elves in need, who probably approve more of our project then he did." Dalamar cast a glance in Elrond's direction.

"So we will probably have to deal with his presence from time to time." Nobody commented on this; the only signs of the other Elves' displeasure were rolled eyes and pouting lips.

Dalamar went on to the next point. He unfurleda scroll. "Secondly, I recently received an application from an elf named 'Timberdell', who claimed to suffer from Slash abuse. I'm not quite sure whether the name is correct, apparently the elf usually doesn't write the letter was not easy to read. He likely comes from a universe were writing is not regarded a valuable skill. However, he or she informed me of his plan to attend this meeting, so we will see for ourselves what kind of elf he is." The other elves nodded in approval. Another poor victim of careless fanfiction writers would be welcomed warmly.

"Thirdly," Dalamar concluded. "I'm glad to tell you that Skywise and I invited a new guest speaker. No, Elrond, he is not from the world of the Two Moons, I don't expect the same... surprises... as last time. I established contact with our guest speaker for a while and he seems to be a thoughtful and deliberate character. Though he asserts that he is not an elf, I have to say that he definitely looks like one of us. His manners are exquisite, and besides, he told me he has a long experience with Slash abuse. He comes from a Universe in the far future, so please do not take offence by his appearance or some terms he might use. This man calls himself a Vulcan and is named Mr. Spock. I hope he will be here soon."

As soon as Dalamar had ended, the door opened with Skywise head popping out of the slit. "Ayoaahh Dalamar!" the little wolfrider cheered and waved his hand. "I brought him! I did!" Skywise and his silver wolf entered, followed by a slender elf with black, short-cropped hair and a serious face. He wore a blue shirt and black trousers. As Dalamar had said, he appeared futuristic. The stranger looked at the astonished elfgroup with polite casualness and raised his left hand. His fingers made a gap between middle and ring finger. "Live long and prosper." he said.

"May the blessing of the Valar be with you, Mr. Spock." Galadriel greeted him in representation of all Middle earth elves.

"Welcome Mr. Spock, from the land of Vulcan." Dalamar added.

"Pardon," the stranger said irritably. "The term 'land' seems improper. Inthat context, "planet" is the adequate description."

"What's a planet?" asked Zelgadis, the Chimera interested, "Is that the name of your dimension?"

Spock shook his head. "No, a planet in general is a huge cluster of material, more massive than an asteroid, but less massive than a star. It shines with reflected light, and is usually composed mainly of rock or of dense gases. To paraphrase it: A planet is a celestial body of the solar system, revolving around the sun in an elliptical orbit. For the purposes of popular astronomy of the earth, the planets are considered to be Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. Some astronomers also include the small planetoid Chiron which orbits between Saturn and Uranus. Some even include mythical planets such as Lilith, the dark moon."

Dalamar raised an eyebrow. "Dark moon, you say? How interesting. Maybe we should discuss that topic further later on, Lord Spock, however now I must request that you begin with your lecture."

The dark elf had seen the elves' face-vault at Mr. Spock's opaque explanation. Whatever he was talking about, it was better to stay with the original topic of the evening, Slash-abuse.

"Lord is not correct either, since Vulcan society is not organized by the means of primitive hierarchic structures, as the concept of nobility implies. Our culture abandoned these remnants of former cultural stages long ago. 'Mr.' will be sufficient. By the way, have you in this world happened to have developed the technology enabling you to do intergalactic travels?" Spock asked casually.

"We have! We have!" Skywise cried out, bewildering the others. "We have the palace the high ones used to travel through the universe!"

"A starship?"

"Yes, I think you could call it that. We call it the 'Palace of the High Ones', though."

"Did your species already develop warp technology, Skywise?"

"Warp? That sounds somewhat familiar." The little elf saidthinking. "But I dunno where I heard it before. If it is an engine we should ask Two-edge, the troll he invents things all the time."

Spock only arched a delicate eyebrow. "Fascinating." he said. He showed no further emotions at the excited elf's outburst. The others ignored their conversation, only shaking their heads.

"Well, in that case," the Vulcan approached the lower end of the table and sat down. "I have to shorten my lecture considerably, since apart from Skywiseyou are not allowed to receive certain detailed information on space travel, the rules of the Prime Directive forbid it."

Nobody dared to ask the stranger what the Prime Directive was about. They waited for him to begin eagerly, hoping to learn how to avoid being subject to slash. And as long as the Prime Directive was not connected with slash, nobody really cared. Even Elrond looked intrigued by this most unusual of elves.

And then Mr. Spock began to explain... "You Elves probably ask yourself why your leader Dalamar invited me to talk about Slash. Well, my Captain James T. Kirk said it once in blunt, human words: He and myself are the very first and most frequent victims of the slash abuse you elves suffer right now. The so-called Slash-fiction first appeared in the Startrek Universe and some eminent authorities on the topic even claim that Slash-fiction was the very first type of fanfiction created around Star Trek. Thus, it wasprobably the very first fanfiction written at all.

"The main writing trouble began on Earth in the 1970s of the twentieth century, when most of the current Slash-writers were not even born. At that time people discovered that they would enjoy our adventures much more if they wrote their own episodes. Since humans are rather illogical beings, as I never cease to admit, they were very eager to see Captain Kirk and myself united not only in mind but also in body and bed. I think, Dalamar knows what I mean. However, the locical conclusion reveals one of the best kept secrets of the multiplied fandoms: We have to face it though, our very existences as fanfictional characters began with slash. I even dare say, the whole fanfiction sub-culture bases on this generally abided erotic genre."

Hisses and gasps of denial and disgust filled the room at this statement. In their horror, none of the other elves noticed Elladan and Elrohir sneaking behind the tables with glasses of wine in their hands. Spock nodded to the rest of the group in polite paternal sympathy.

"As I said, humans are highly illogical, many of them hate the homosexual non-canon pairings, or whatever their terminology recently calls it, to the utmost extent. Still, many others feel the urgent need to write it all down. It has become this important that even some human ethnographers wrote about us in scientific essays. As a Vulcan I dare say it reconciles me at least to see these fractions of my private life inspiring honest scientific work."

Apparently not everybody in the group felt consolation at Spock's assertion. "Now that we all agree that the human way of life is highly obnoxious and a decline of culture compared to the Golden Age of Elvish domination of Middle Earth, I still don't see how a history lesson on the twentieth century pop-culture of Earth should aid us or help us to cope with the results." Elrond stated.

Mr. Spock leaned back, his hands folded, with only the fingertips touching. "Lord Elrond, the only advice I can give you is that you have to live with it. As long as you don't plan to exterminate the human race, or destroy their communication network, among them known as "The Internet", you will not be able to get rid of abuse."

"Wait…" Dalamar muttered under his breath. "Exterminating the human race? That reminds me of something..." He took out a scroll and a pen and scribbled quickly something on it.

However-" Mr. Spock concluded while Elrond finally banged his forehead on the table in a desperate and very un-Elvish manner, "I came to tell you how my Captain and I learned to cope with it."

As the other Elves were avidly watching both the stoic figure of Spock, and the prone, pitiful one of the Lord of Rivendell, Elladan and Elrohir had finally finished slinking to the other side of the room. The rose behind Spock with the silence only an elf can master. Elrond happened to look up and he saw his children poised over the Vulcan.

"NO!" he yelled, but he was too late. As their father watched, helpless and horrified, the twins simultaneously poured their goblets of wine over the Vulcan's head. They high-fived each other in exaggerated movements, and quickly leapt around Spock to see his reaction.

To their disappointment, it was nothing more than a raised eyebrow. "Crap. I was hoping he'd at least change colors like Adar does." Elladan looked genuinely crestfallen.

Elrohir looked at his twin, a mild expression on his face. "Is doing. As Adar _is_ _doing_." He corrected. They looked from Elrond, who was indeed rapidly turning purple, to each other again, and started laughing uproariously.

The other Elves seemed just as shocked as Elrond. Dalamar was nearly crying because, yet again, his idea for a speaker was rapidly turning into a disaster. Drizzt looked torn between scolding them and laughing, as Legolas did. Galadriel was turning very white; as the twins aunt, she felt partly responsible for them. The other elves from Middle Earth were also horrified, but not very surprised. Zegaldis, on the other hand, was shocked at the audacity of the youngsters. Skywise was too interested in his own wine to notice.

Dalamar decided to take matters into his own hands before a full-blown war broke out. Pulling out a few flower petals, he quickly chanted a spell that both cleaned and dried the wine from the saturated Spock. "I apologize, wise visitor from Vulcan. Obviously, these two young men are overwrought, and know no other way to vent their frustration. Clearly, they do not have the wonderful control overtheir emotions as youdo, and as mature elves should have developed." At this, Dalamar glared at the boys, daring them to disagree. A couple such glares were also thrown at Skywise.

Spock, however, seemed as un-phased as always. "Apology accepted, Lord Dalamar. I believe there is a quaint human saying that captures this moment; 'boys will be boys.'"

Legolas, having learned diplomacy from his father, decided it was time to support Dalamar. He leaned over, an interested expression on his face. "So, what did you do, wanderer from Vulcan? I mean, about the slash problem"

Spock nodded to the Prince of Mirkwood, impressed by his effort to salvage the situation."Basically, we learned to take it with humor. We had to. To be honest, if it was only theSlash abuse, we may have lived with that, but we also had so many creatures of a certain species on board, which we termed Mary-Sues, that they formed nearly two thirds of our crew. This incident was fortunate in only one single aspect. Since Mary Sues are always very talented creatures who can achieve a maximum of skill with a minimum of educational training, we had a very effective crew.

"Our trouble was only that the Captain and I had an infinite number of dates to attend, romances to live, and in my case, to fall into Pon-Farr, the Vulcan mating instinct, every single day. It was not easy. There were times when I had to participate in at least one Vulcan marriage ceremony each day. I have to admit though, that my Captain had nearly the same trouble, being always away on rescuing missions. Apparently every villain in the Universe tried to hunt down diverse Crewmembers from the Mary-Sue **s**pecies. The captain and I had to save each of them, of courseas the rules of the Federation don't allow us to let our crew members fall into the hands of our enemies. Compared to that, we thought it much better to be coupled with each other. At least we had time for ourselves, had time for playing chess in the evening and doing our job as Starfleet officers are supposed to do. Compared to the Mary Sue-an invasion, the slash was a relief."

The Elves looked astonished. "I never saw it that way." Legolas pondered with a thoughtful expression. "You may be right. I would rather be with my friends Gimli or Aragorn then some shallow beauty whose name I forget constantly. Maybe you are right, Mr. Spock from Vulcan. There is wisdom in your words. I actually feel better."

The Science Officer of the USS Enterprise was just about to respond when the door opened and a shadowy figure swept in, causing the Middle Earth Elves to jump from their seats and back to the wall in terror...


	4. The Visitor

**A/N:** Well, finally, we're back! Apologies from Pet – she's been really busy lately, and hasn't been able to write much. Now, before we begin, a few VERY important announcements: First, thanks go out to Hilary, who lent us said visitor. Next, we've decided to expand, so upon the release of the next chapter, ESGAME will be found in the Lord of the Rings category. Hopefully, you'll all be able to find it again. Now, enjoy and review! Oh, and don't sue. We don't own anything, we promise.

**Chapter 4 - The Visitor**

... and the Elves from Middle Earth backed to the wall in terror...

They had instantly realized the nature of the newcomer. Through the door swept a dark, shadowy being. The creature was wrapped in a robe of pure darkness that hung loosely around its ghostly form like black smoke ascending from a pyre. A dark hood covered glowing eyes of infinite depth...

"A Nazgûl..."

The sound drifted from Elrohir's trembling lips and hung in the air like a promise of eternal terror and pain. For once, neither twin had a wisecrack or a grin. Both seemed as terrified as their elders.

"What is a Nazgûl?" Skywise asked. His silver wolf stood protectively in front of the little elf and growled in low tones. Meanwhile the elves from Middle Earth had paled considerably. Drizzt had instantly drawn his scimitars but watched the scene carefully. His fighter senses were alerted by the dark presence but he wondered why his fellow elves had obviously panicked. The creature was a definitely a wraith. A dangerous enemy but none that couldn't be banished by enchanted weapons and powerful spells.

Dalamar watched the shadowy visitor fascinated. He wondered if another mage had summoned the ghost and sent it to the elves. Maybe his Shalafi? Why? Was he displeased? Dalamar grimaced at the implications stemming from that thought. Unnoticed by the others Zelgadis had also jumped from his chair and taken fighting stance. But like the others he preferred to wait.

Mr. Spock was the only person sitting so far. He watched the strange spirit from the end of the table and raised an eyebrow. "Fascinating." he said and gave the new guest a scrutinizing look.

Eventually Galadriel was the first to make a move: "Beware, foul spirit!" she cried out. "You, who bring destruction and chaos. The forces of Light will bind you."

The Nazgûl moved its head a little as if attempting to reply when suddenly Drizzt remembered something.

"Lady Galadriel", the Drow addressed Lothlorien's leader, "I take from your words that you know this wraith and that it is evil."

It was Elrond who answered the question. "Yes." the Lord of Rivendell said. "It is one of our arch enemy's most devoted servants. Its an undead creature, a slave to dark power, the eternal reminder of human's decadence and fallibility."

"So I guess it's chaotic/evil." Drizzt repeated with a sigh.

"Yes, I think so." Elrond answered slightly irritated.

Drizzt nodded and rolled his eyes. "In that case, I naturally have to fight it," the Drow said in a bored tone. "As my own alignment is lawful/good, I'm practically obliged to throw myself into battle against the forces of evil." The Drow didn't look very comfortable with this option.

"And I thought that at least in my spare time I would have some rest from the whole battle-issue. Slaying things constantly for the sake of the people is so incredibly boring all the time."

Dalamar nodded in sympathy. "I know what you mean. I'm lucky that my alignment is chaotic evil. Being a bad guy, I can choose freely when to fight and whom."

Drizzt sighed. "I hate my alignment. I wish I were chaotic evil, too. That would make my whole life much less predictable. And I wouldn't have to be so damn nice to every adventuring moron that comes my way."

The other elves followed the discussion astonished. What were the two, oh so different, dark elves talking about? And what did this talk about alignments mean?

"Waiiiiiiiit...." the Nazgûl hissed at that moment. "Iiiiiii just wanted to... isn't thisssss..."

At the same time Drizzt stepped forward, a very annoyed expression on his handsome face.

"Ok, I don't know why you are here, wraith, but you choose a very bad moment to show up. Look, we're all in our spare time and we don't want to be troubled with the demands of heroic strife. But if we must... Let's get this epic battle stuff over withquickly. Let's end this whole discussion about good and evil and the tragedy of the world in general and just get into the fight. This will shorten the break you're presence caused us."

Having no physical face anymore nobody could see the Nazgûl's troubled expression.

"Buttt Iiii just wanted to visit a self-help-group." the creature tried again to explain itself.

But a very annoyed dark elf did not grant it the time to give further explanations. Drizzt leaped onto his insubstantial opponent and attacked with one of his scimitars. The blade left a blue sparkle where it passed the air. The Nazgûl glided backwards quickly.

"Wait! This is a misunderstanding. I'm not evil!"

"Of course he is evil", Dalamar said from behind with a sly grin. "I checked his aura. Its darker than mine."

"You see." Drizzt said. "You're evil. I'm good. We have to fight. This is a common law in all fantasy universes. So don't be a coward. By the way, do you have any immunities?"

"Why me?" the Nazgûl suddenly cried, very un-evil like, but that was generally ignored and the fight went on. Spock looked as though he wished to interrupt, and allow the creature a fair trial. However, looking upon the bloodthirsty looks of the elves of Middle Earth, and the looks of intense concentration on the faces of both Dalamar and Drizzt, he decided that silence would be the most logical course ofaction. Besides, herationalized, the Prime Directive forbid interfering in the affairs of other species, as this obviously was.

Dalamar couldn't help but enjoy watching this lethal argument. He had longed to see what Drizzt could do with those scimitars of his since the very first meeting. And if the wraith, or whatever that creature was, talked himself out of the battle, were would be the fun of it? Next Dalamar prepared a fireball, just in case...

The fight went on. Both opponents moved very quickly. Drizzt attacked with the elegance of a panther and the Nazgûl fought with his robe fluttering around in a mysterious fashion.

The other elves all prepared to attack or to intervene by the use of magic in case that Drizzt failed, but the Drow was a very skilled fighter. His techniques were precise and deadly. For those who enjoyed a good fight watching the duel was a pleasure.

The fight was relatively equal. So far, the damage done to the furniture was only minimal. Two chairs had fallen over. While Dirzzt and the Nazgûl attacked and parried in rapid succession, they moved unconsciously nearer to the door. It was in the moment that they had nearly crossed the room when the door opened and a barmaid rushed in, in order to ask the Elven guests if they needed more wine. Unfortunately the girl arrived just in that moment when the Nazgûl struck at Drizzt and performed a heavy blow of a shadow blade that had appeared in his withered fingers.

Before either of the combatants could react to the utterly perplexed girl who stood between them, the Nazgûl's dark blade began to come down on her. Knowing, he was probably the only one who could to stop it in time, Dalamar let the fireball go. The burning globe dashed towards the wraith. To his surprise, he was not the only one who had reacted to the danger. He heard Zelagdis say "Elmekian Lance" and a lightening of pure white energy left the Chimera's hands, aiming at the Nazgûl. Dalamar and Zegaldis were accompanied by Mr. Spock, who had jumped from his chair, drawing a strange object from his belt. The thing made humming sound and produced a yellow streak of light.

Before the Nazgûl had finished his move, the three different attacks reached their target, who in turn was hurled against the wall by the impact. The wraith slid down from the wall, weak and defeated. They could only hear a soft "Why me?" escaping from his hollow throat.

After the danger was obviously over, the barmaid looked at the fallen Nazgûl, then at Drizzt and at the Dorw's scimitars, which he still held in a defensive position. The girl chose that moment to do what many girls, and some men, would have done in a situation like that. She turned pale white and whispered something unintelligible before she fell unconscious and straight into a shocked Drizzt's arms.

Dalamar and the rest of the group approached Drizzt and the girl instantly. Drizzt used the first opportunity available to shove the girl in somebody else arms. She ended up in the care of Galadriel. The drow had first tried to hand her over to Legolas, but the young elf had panicked, refusing to even touch the girl as if she had a contagious kind of disease.

"No human girls." he muttered. "No human girls anymore."

So it was finally Galadriel who murmured softy and soothingly at the girl to wake her up and reassure her. Meanwhile the men studied the Nazgûl. Apparently the "thing" was not dead. Since it was an apparently a wraith, an undead creature, and therefore, quite naturally dead, they agreed that the creature had been shocked, but it had not expired.

"What shall we do with him?" Skywise asked. The silver wolf had sniffed at the wraith and then showed her disapproval of their new guest by turning around and sitting next to Galadriel, growling a bit. Skywise, in contrast, was highly curious. He ignored the wolf and even tried to touch the Nazgûl. He was stopped by Drizzt who told him to be careful with creatures that sucked life force out of their fellows. In the meantime Dalamar watched the scene. His fireball had probably been a bit too much. It had left traces of burnings on the wall. And even the barmaid's clothing had suffered a bit. And Zelgadis' Elmekian Lance had also affected the furniture, and destroyed two chairs. Hopefully the Copper Kettle wouldn't ban them from entering the building again after that.

The fight had been quite exciting but they needed to keep things down, or things would slip out of control again. Dalamar sighed. The evening was already ruined. Now they could only try to cut the losses. When the dark creature moved again, Dalamar had already instructed the other elves not to resort to violence again. Maybe things could be cleared up in a more civilized way.

"Who are you?" Dalamar interviewed the creature when he was sure it would listen.

"Me?" the wraith asked in a very subdued tone. "I'm Nazgûl Six. From Hilary's Lord of Dragonlance."

"And what is you aim?"

"My, my aim?" the Nazgûl asked and watched them all, fearful and confused. "Oh... my aim... Well I needed a break from her fic. It drives me insane. I tell you, everybody else in that story already went insane. I decided it was time for therapy. I heard that this was a place for fanfic victims who suffered from abuse."

Dalamar had to admit that he felt a tinge of pride. So they already had a reputation! Unfortunately it seemed to attract quite the wrong characters. "Well, that is correct. But we have to inform you that this group is for Elves only and exclusively. You are apparently not an Elf. So we're sorry, but we can't help you."

"Oh." The Nazgûl looked absolutely pathetic after those words. "But we're so abused. I- I need to talk to somebody..."

Dalamar sighed. He pitied the Nazgûl, but if they allowed the thing to stay, the group would probably become a refuge for thousands of other abused fanfiction characters. And then it was only a question of time until even original characters applied for membership. No he couldn't let this happen. But before he could make up his mind about what to decide, the Nazgûl produced a sniffing sound.

"I have another problem." Number Six said.

"Which is?" Dalamar's voice was becoming exasperated. What would this creature want now?

"I can't go like this," a shadowy hand pointed at the large cuts and shreds in the Nazgûl's robe. "That black- or dark- or whatever-elf over there destroyed my cloak," the Nazgûl muttered, stricken. "Our cloaks are intrinsic. Without something to veil around our ghostly bodies, we Nazgûl will dissolve. If I dissolve I can't go back to Hilary's story. And if I don't go back for the next chapter she will probably come and hunt me down." Even though the creature could only whisper, they all felt the terror in his voice. "And if Hilary comes, terrible, terrible things will happen."

"In that case." Mr Spock fell in. "It seems only logical that we find new clothing for this... guest... and send him back to where he belongs."

Dalamar nodded, thankful that finally somebody else was here who had a sense of logic. "That sounds acceptable," he answered. What about you, Nazgûl 6? Do you agree?"

"I don't think I have a choice," the Nazgûl muttered darkly. "Well does anybody have clothes to spare?" Dalamar asked.

That question earned him a dirty look from Skywise. "Yeah, How about us all getting some clothing off and-"

"NO! Definitively, NO!" Elrond cried out. Finally one of the Middle Earth Elves had said something. Apparently, even the threat of one of the undead menaces of Mordor was not enough to allow the proper Elrond to let such a vulgar comment go, unreprimanded.

"Your robe would be nice." The Nazgûl said, looking expectantly at Dalamar.

"No." the elf said flatly, discouraging any argument.

"Wow, why are you all so shy?" Skywise asked ignoring the frowns on everybody's faces. "I wouldn't mind a bit, but I don't think my trousers and waistcoat would fit you, Six."

"I need a robe, or at least something like that," demanded Number Six.

"I need my robe." Dalamar stated.

Finally Galadriel sighed. "As usual, I'll be the only one who has a solution. I have a dress to spare in my luggage. Knowing my dear little grandsons Elladan and Elrohir, and their tendency to spill wine at official occasions, I decided I would probably need another dress in the course of the evening. So, Grandsons, get my robe and give it to the Nazgûl." The twins made faces of repugnance, but didn't dare refuse their formidable Grandmother.

While the poor Nazgûl changed his clothes, the Middle Earth Elves turned away from the sight in disgust.

"I'm sorry." Dizzt said to Number Six, putting away his scimitars after carefully wiping off the blades. "I thought you were evil."

"Actually I am evil," the Nazgûl said absent-mindedly.

"Well, then it was the right thing to do." Drizzt was slightly puzzled by this moral dilemma.

"I guess it was." Both sighed.

In the meantime the barmaid had gained consciousness again. She opened the door to slip out and into safety when a tiny glowing globe of light floated in. At first sight it looked like a glowworm. The elves stared at the light-globe until it halted right in front of Dalamar. When it stopped moving, Dalamar saw that the globe was not a globe at all, but in fact, a cute little girl with pointed ears and delicate little wings between her shoulders.

"Hello." the little maid chirped. "Are you Mr. Dalamar Nightson, leader of ESGAME? I am Tinkerbell."

Skywise broke into a fit of laughter and grinned at Dalamar. "Let me guess, that's your 'Timberdell'? I'd say that you were quite mistaken. And then YOU mistrust MY abilities to find new guys for the group." He winked flirtatiously at the tiny woman.

Dalamar's cheeks burned at the humiliation. "Tinkerbell," he began, as composed as possible. "Please introduce yourself to the rest of us. You said you suffer from Slash abuse. But somehow I doubt that this is the case. You are obviously a female. There are almost no female slash pairings. What is the problem?"

"Ask her if she is an Elf! She looks more like a fairy!" Number six demanded, offended. "Because if you allow her to stay, I don't see why I can't stay!"

Tinkerbell waved her wings a little and flew higher so she could be seen by everybody in the room. "I am Tinkerbell, actually I am a fairy. But you see, so many people tend to think that elves and fairies are the same, so I'd say the difference doesn't matter so much. And besides, I'm used to people being much taller then me. And I **_do_** suffer from Slash. You see, I am the companion of a cute boy, whose name is Peter Pan. Together we live in a realm called Neverland. And this boy is the love of my life. At least he was until he fell for a human girl called Wendy. Well, that is another story. I finally got used to Wendy being around and we had some kind of agreement about Peter. But you see, there are the fanfictions. And finally, finally, I could find fulfillment of my dreams being paired up with Peter but what do those cursed authors do? They pair him up with Hook! Hook is a pirate and Peter's greatest enemy. You see, even in those cursed fanfictions, I'm only the unimportant sidekick. Yes I can stand loosing against Wendy. But loosing against Hook, too... This is so cruel..."

The little fairy maid broke into a crying fit. Obviously she was under great psychological stress. The first one to react was, to everybody's surprise, Nazgûl Six. "The world is so full of wrongs!" Number Six wailed depressed, and both newcomers broke into loud lamenting until Galadriel meddled, trying to calm them.

Dalamar let himself fall into a chair that had survived the fight and helped himself to another glass of wine. The other Elves watched him, full of pity. Even Mr. Spock raised a merciful eyebrow. And again, another evening ended in chaos...

**A/N:** Well, hope you enjoyed that. For those of you who didn't understand the deal with 6, he comes from Hilary (lazy.kender19)'s Lord of Dragonlance. In short, the Ringwraiths are all given personalities, and 6 is rather psychotic and afraid of everything. After a mention of the group by me (Dally), Hilary wrote about him having gone to our group and coming back in a dress (chapter 14), so we HAD to write about what actually happened. Remember, next chapter will be in the LOTR subcategory! Okay, so now, to our lovely reviewers:

JunoMagic: Sorry for the cliffie! To good (and long) to resist! Hope you found this chapter a bit less nerve-wracking. Once more, apologies from Pet for not having written much lately.

Guan: Glad you enjoyed this so much. And our cliffhanger… Fond look and evil cackles Hope you liked Spock's logic in this chapter as much as in the last.

SorcerousOne: Um, no, sorry. I've written cliffies before you did! And no, Spock's not an elf, but he's close enough, and is a damn good speaker! BTW, I haven't seen any updates from you lately, sir! Update yours soon, or my Wolf-mauling skills are going to come to light again!

Sinvogel: Yeah, we loved writing Spock too. And agreed on Elrond. He's likely going to develop some medical problems, or at least shudders gray hairs because of those boys… Apologies again from Pet!

Insanetedyz: Hehe, sorry for the cliffie! Thanks so much for your lovely, complimentary review! About your donations: diaries will be given out in two chapters (5 already has too much in it). The picture of the M.S. will come in later, but it will come, especially since you're so kind to us!

Lazy.kender19: Hope you enjoyed, and that 6 found his way back! We had a bit of trouble getting rid of him. And, since you always ask, (and donated 6 for a chapter) I'll let you in on a secret: chapter 5 will be up within a week!


	5. Dalamar the Dark and the Seven Dwarves ...

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing that is not ours.

**A/N:** Well, Merry Christmas, happy belated Chanukah, happy early Kwanzaa, happy early New Year, and happy Saturday! Now, as to the stuff in this chapter – the first badfic is based on a compilation of real fics and stereotypical errors. The second is based on a real challenge we found. Neither is meant to offend anyone. "Newsies" is a Disney musical about newspaper boys striking in the early 1900s. Enjoy, and welcome to any new readers we may have picked up in our change to the LOTR subcat!

**Dalamar the Dark and the Seven Dwarves… Elves**

Dalamar called the meeting to order once more, and ordered the first round of drinks. The first thing on his agenda tonight was informing some of the participants in the group of new abuse. As if that weren't enough, Skywise had insisted that he was ready to go on a recruiting mission alone, and was expected soon with this week's speakers.

Before he could start, two elves came through the door, both rather haggard looking. "Adar!" Legolas cried in surprise from across the room. "I thought you were too busy to come this week!" Legolas' father shrugged noncommittally.

Dalamar looked quite pleased about the fact that his group had apparently become more famous. "Welcome, friend. As one of our member's father, I'm sure you will be an excellent member of our group if you wish it. Will you, sir, introduce yourself, and say something about your problems?"

The elf from Middle Earth nodded in acknowledgement. "As I'm sure you could see, I am Legolas' father. My name is Thranduil, and I am king of Mirkwood. My biggest problems are being portrayed as a drunkard, due to a rather raucous party I was hosting when Bilbo came around, and abusing my son. The degrees of abuse change, and I've seen everything from grounding him for life to beating and raping him. But I assure you, we are truly on very good terms!" Legolas shifted over, making room for his father, while supporting his statement.

Dalamar looked around happily. "If we can resume our discussion? I have some bad news, friends. Our human agents have found some new, even more obscene instances of abuse, and we felt you needed to know." He took out a stack of papers that looked suspiciously like photocopies. He passed them around the table.

"Well, Legolas," Dalamar's voice was completely serious. "It looks as though you've found yourself a new lover." Legolas looked up, questioning. He grimaced in anticipation. A similar, compassionate look was on his father's face. "Our very own Drizzt Do'Urden." Legolas put his head in his hands in despair.

"Well," Drizzt began, deadpan. "You are _very_ pretty." At Legolas' look of pure terror, a big grin spread over his face, and he through his hands up in a gesture of surrender. "I'm just kidding! Take it easy, kid." He chuckled, and Legolas hesitantly smiled back.

Haldir, who had been reading while he laughed at the normally serious drow's joke, spoke up. "Wow, this is really something." Tears of mirth were streaming from his eyes. At his prompting, the others looked at the papers they'd been handed.

"It was a lovely day in mirkwod. Leglas greenleaf and Drizt Dourden were walking along the paths, there hands clasped. Suddenly, passion overtook the 2 elves. They pulled each other close and kissed deeply…" The rest of the first chapter continued along that vein.

Galadriel, who had just been skimming the first chapter, got further along. "See? I told you I'm always the shrink. Listen: 'Of course I now about you 2. I now everything that goes on in my relm. Love is nothing to be ashamed of, my dear elfies. Now, I'll leave you 2 in peece.' I never knew how illiterate I was." She said dryly.

As the group was laughing over the awful writing, Dalamar heard the knock he'd been dreading. Skywise bounded in, nodding almost imperceptibly to the twins. "Hi everyone! I'm still working on getting the speakers here; they walk very slowly. But, I did find something I'm sure Dally and Pet would want you to know about." He tossed some rolls of paper to the crowd.

Elrond caught his neatly and opened the ties. As he looked at the title page, he rapidly changed colors, going from his normal pale tone to bright red to purple, to a blotchy blueberry cheesecake color, to sheet white. His eyebrows touched his receding hairline in shock. He began to hyperventilate. Behind his back, the twins snickered.

By that time, Dalamar had gotten his scroll opened as well. He stared at it in shock and horror. "Holy Nuitari! What is this? I'd rather be paired with Drizzt than with Elrond!" There was a minute of shocked silence. Elrond was still too much in shock to so much as glare at the dark elf for the slight. Legolas, who was still fumbling with the ribbon on his copy, tried to save the humor of a minute ago. "Sorry. It seems as if Drizzt is already taken in this group!"

At that instant, he got the ties open and looked at it. Apparently, the obliging author had included a list of pairings. "Haldir, again? Do these people have no originality?" He rolled his eyes. "Wait, who's Tanis? And Kit, who's that?"

Dalamar sighed. This was even worse than he had anticipated. "Tanis is a half-elf from my world. Kitiara was a former lover of mine who died rather violently, as she lived." He did not elaborate, deciding to change the subject. "Lady Galadriel, who is Arwen?" He noticed that Galadriel had gone sheet white.

"To people who have actually read the books, not just seen the movies, she's my granddaughter through my daughter Celebrian and my son-in-law Elrond." She was keeping her voice carefully calm.

Haldir and Glorfindel went to comfort the Lady of Lorien, and Glorfindel explained, "She usually doesn't get paired with anyone other than Haldir or her husband. And the people who don't read our books are menaces – they've put first cousins Merry and Pippin together hundreds of times."

Finally, the elves got over their shock at what turned out to be only a challenge, so far. Dalamar helpfully lit a magical fire, and the elves were taking great pleasure in throwing their copies into the blaze. During the excitement, Skywise had snuck away again. While watching the elves from Middle Earth vehemently venting their anger, Drizzt walked over to Dalamar. "At least no one has put us together yet, as far as I know."

"True." Dalamar quieted for a minute, thinking he heard laughter. His thoughts were interrupted once more with the arrival of Skywise. He bounded in, followed by seven short, bearded men dressed in warm looking, bright red suits. They had green caps with bells, and shoes with long, pointed toes that were similarly decorated.

Dalamar stared at them dubiously, not wanting to offend, but not wanting this meeting to turn to disaster as the others had. "Um, my good sirs, aren't Snow White's noble companions dwarves? We do appreciate the service you gentlemen did for the fairy tale community, but this is a group for elves only." He glared pointedly at Skywise, who just grinned.

One of the dwarves, who was standing as a leader, stared at Dalamar as though he'd grown a second head. "Look, buddy." His voice was deep, throaty and hoarse, and gave the suggestion of an Italian mobster. "Do I look like a dwarf to you?" As the dwarflike man spoke, his accent became more prominent and more apparently fake. At Dalamar's shocked silence, he continued. "Hey, I'm talkin' to you! Yeah, that's right. You in the dress. We ain't no dwarves, so shut your trap."

"Uh…" Dalamar could feel the sweat forming on his forehead. "I'm terribly sorry for the misunderstanding, good sir. My colleague failed to tell me that you gentlemen were the speakers. Now, if you would introduce yourselves, I'll allow you to get on with your lecture." Dalamar winced, anticipating what horrific things the lecture could contain.

The leader drew himself up to his full three feet or so of height. "I am Carl and these are my colleagues – Bill, Joe, John, Ralph, Bob, and Precious." Legolas bit back a laugh when he realized that the last, Precious, was a female. He remembered his friend Gimli telling him that all dwarves had beards, but he'd never heard of an elf sporting facial hair, let alone a maid! Elladan and Elrohir, however, had no such problems with laughing, and were doing so rather raucously in the back of the room.

Carl, however, seemed not to notice. "We are some of Santa's Elves, and we live in the North Pole. We heard about your plight, and decided that we have your answer. You need unions."

He waited a minute for that information to sink in. Most of the elves had completely blank looks on their faces. He rolled his eyes. "Guilds? Come on, you can't tell me you hadn't thought of it before?" He looked at the elves rather ashamed faces. "In a union is protection. Unions have power. They go on strikes, they get pay raises! Come on, people!"

"Um, we're not paid." Zegaldis piped up from the back of the room. "And, we can't really go on strikes when half of this stuff isn't done with our consent in the first place."

Carl rolled his eyes again, much to the annoyance of some of the Middle Earth Elves. "How plain do you want me to make this? Okay, I'll tell you what happened with us. See, we work for the big guy. You know, Santa. So, years ago, we was like slaves. We had to work from dawn 'til dusk, and later, even when we couldn't see. Whenever the big guy came around, we had to be smiling, or we'd get kicked out."

"So," the one called Precious continued. "We finally heard about the humans forming unions, and thought it might be a good idea." Though her voice was nearly as deep and husky as Carl's, it didn't have the fake accent. "So, we started to meet clandestinely at night after work, and came up with a plan. After several weeks, we had finally gotten an organized group. As soon as we could, we had a sit down strike. We refused to work until we got pay raises, better living conditions, and benefits. Any questions?" She seemed to have taken over from Carl.

"Yeah, I do." Elladan's sarcastic voice cut through the turmoil. "If we don't control what they write, how can we strike?"

Precious seemed at a loss for words, but finally had an idea. "Little girl, two years back. Newsies…" She muttered cryptically under her breath. "You should publish your own stories. The press holds more power than you might think! Maybe if you published these meetings. Anyway, you already have a group. All you need is some backbone!"

At this, all of the elves bristled, especially Dalamar and Drizzt. Dalamar fought to get his emotions back under control. "Well, thank you all for your time and discussion topic. We will keep your suggestions in mind." He politely showed the 'elves' to the door.

As they left, the other elves breathed a collective sigh of relief. As the tension left the room, they all turned to glare at Skywise, but he had already, wisely, left. Finally, after several companionable glasses of wine, the elves started to leave in small groups. As Drizzt was leaving, Thranduil pulled the young Drow over.

"Now," the king of Mirkwood began, with a mischievous smirk. "You be sure to treat my son well." He grinned.

Drizzt smiled back. "I will if you will."

**A/N:** Well, hope you all enjoyed this new chapter of madness! To our faithful reviewers:

Lazy.kender19: Oops, sorry about the confusion between the two. But, I'm glad you feel we did right by 6 otherwise. Hope this chapter did not disappoint.

Guan: Glad you enjoyed, and thought that the fight scene was good.

Juno Magic: I'm glad you could sympathize with 6 – I think we all can! Hmm, AHFAFFC, I may have to do something with that…

Sorcerous One: My apologies, oh fountain of Drizzt knowledge. Maybe over break I'll actually read the books, and can then write stuff about him without being bashed by you!


	6. Runaround Sue

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing. We don't own Agents Miiro or Bridger, and we don't own the PPC. This chapter is being posted without a beta by Ahn-Li, but we did try to contact her.We ownneither the title song,nor the one mentioned later on, though that one was 'improved'upon.No elves were harmed in the making of this chapter.

**Runaround Sue**

Dalamar looked around at the group of diverse elves, and smiled. This week, nothing was going to go wrong. He had personally laid down foolproof plans, and no one, not the twins, not Skywise, not even a villain from another book could ruin this plan. He had decided that they'd had enough mishaps with slash, so it was time to move on. The door was suddenly thrust open, and Skywise bounded in.

"This was left with the bartender." He held up a large box, addressed to ESGAME. Dalamar took it gingerly, not sure what to expect, especially since it was Skywise who brought it. He set it down, and opened it magically. He hoped that there wasn't anything hostile in it. However, nothing burst out, so he moved in.

He picked up a note on the top of a large stack of books. "I thought that you elves could use a way to vent your anger, so I would like to donate diaries to your group. Signed, Insanetedyz." Indeed, in the box, there were enough diaries for the whole group to get one each. Dalamar began handing them out. When there were only two left, Dalamar grimaced. Apparently, the store had run out of normal diaries, and only had lacy, flowered, pink or purple ones. He looked up at Drizzt, the only other elf with no diary, and they both winced.

Galadriel, noticing that the two, very different, Dark Elves had fixed their gazes on her, quickly took out a pen. Very neatly, on the first page of the green, leaf-patterned book, she wrote her name in a precise, flowing script. She looked up at the two, raising an elegant eyebrow and daring them to say something. They sighed in unison. "You choose." Dalamar closed his eyes, and held out the two books to Drizzt.

When he saw Dalamar's eye squint open curiously, Drizzt grinned evilly. "I'll take the purple one. I think it just compliments my eyes perfectly." He fluttered his eyelashes facetiously. With a resigned sigh, Dalamar put his own, bright pink, book into an inside pocket of his robe, vowing that his Shalafi would never set eyes on it.

A discreet knock on the door broke the tension. Dalamar smiled in relief. That must be the speakers! He waved the door open, and in walked two humans. They were dressed in very odd clothes, and then waved at someone outside of the room. "Bring 'em in, boys!" Apparently, they had hired a few of the dw… elves from the week before to do some hauling. The diminutive men were bent double; four were needed to carry the large, covered rectangle. They set the large thing down, and quickly retreated.

At the elves questioning glances, the female human spoke. "I am Agent Miiro, and this is Agent Bridger. We've come from the PPC to speak to you about Mary-Sues." The elves' wariness at the entrance of humans dissipated when they heard that they were from the PPC. The fierce agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum were nearly legendary for their fearless fighting of all badfics. Dalamar grinned at the reception of his speakers.

"Now," Agent Miiro's voice was sharp as a dagger. "The first step toward accepting your problem is talking about it. Does anyone have any Sue problems that they'd like to share?"

Dalamar looked about nervously. "Well…" He looked around again, as though expecting some sort of aerial attack.

"Come on, Dalamar, don't be shy!" Dalamar felt a compulsion to speak. He'd forgotten about the powers that the Agents possessed.

"Well, it's about one of the authoresses. Dally. She's written a blatant Sue for me, and whenever I tell her I want out, she just threatens to remove me from this support group, and then writes an especially soppy chapter! I don't know how much longer I can take this." He shook his head sadly. "She's completely obsessed! I mean, she stole my name for her penname and e-mail address, and now she's taking over my life! Enough about me, though." Dalamar was feeling rather resentful that the PPC Agents had chosen him to pick on. "I think Legolas' problem is even worse."

Legolas glared daggers at the dark elf. He spoke before the Agents could make him, however. "It is rather true. Especially after my books were made into movies, I've pretty much become known as Middle Earth's most eligible bachelor. Therefore, a very large percentage of the stories including me give me a Mary-Sue date. The majority of those are very badly written. Hell, I'd love to trade Dalamar my droves of drooling fangirls for his one obsessive authoress!"

Agent Bridger smiled in a rather sinister manner. "So, Legolas, what are your true feelings on Mary-Sues? Come, now, acknowledgement leads to healing!" Legolas felt the compulsion fall upon him.

"I…" He fought it as hard as he could, but even such a dark secret as his could not be kept from Agents of the PPC. "I'm afraid of them." His voice came out in a hushed squeak, and he tried to ignore Elladan and Elrohir's maniacal laughter. He hid his head in shame, and prayed that the PPC Agents would move on. They did.

"Anyone else from Middle Earth?" Agent Miiro's voice cut through the shock of Legolas' statement. "No, you're all either abusers or frequent slash favorites." She answered her own question. "Hmm," her grin copied that of Agent Bridger. "How about Drizzt? Have any feelings you'd like to share?"

The drow felt the Agent's power forcing him to stand. "Well, I'm actually usually paired either with a female or male canon character. Slash is my problem more than Mary-Sues…" The other elves exchanged puzzled glances at the normally composed, sarcastic Drizzt's babbling. Drizzt tried to sit down before the Agents could stop him.

Unfortunately, even Drizzt's quick reflexes could not save him from the fate that the agents had planned for him. Agent Miiro made a tch sound. "I don't think so. You know what I'm talking about, and it's not that. Now, speak."

Drizzt fought the compulsion, even harder than Legolas had. Finally, he spoke, blood dripping down his chin from where he'd bit his lip. He hung his head in shame. "'Masue." His voice was barely audible, even to the sensitive ears of the elves.

"Enunciate, dear. Mumbling is quite unbecoming!" The Agents' twin grins widened.

"'Masue." Drizzt repeated himself, equally unclearly, but in a slightly louder voice.

"Come on, sharing is healing. You're among friends!" The Agents started to cackle.

"I'm a Sue, goddamnit! How many times do you want me to say it? I am a canon Sue! I mean, look at me. I was given an unexplainable conscience, I have purple eyes, I'm an unmatched fighter, and I have a magical soul mate of a cat. I'm moody and angsty, and mysterious. I am a complete Sue. That's my Sue problem, and now its out in the open. Happy?" That last, biting remark was directed at the Agents. Once more, he tried to sit down.

"Almost." Agent Miiro smiled sweetly. Once more, she wrenched Drizzt up from his seat. "I've always maintained that song is an excellent way do show emotions. You're on!" Suddenly, a black, plastic thing with a rounded, latticework metal head appeared in Drizzt's hand, and there were some very bright, very odd lights shining down on him.

"But I don't si…" Drizzt began to protest when Bridger cut him off.

"You do now."

Against his will, Drizzt began to sing a song of woe in a light tenor voice.

"My creators wrote a story all about the drow

And they gave me silver hair to compliment my dark brow

Plus enchanted blades to help me through.

Now, my panther is tough and my techniques are cool,

But sometimes I can't help to feel like a fool

Because all in all they could have simply named me 'Sue'.

Well, I became a warrior, the greatest fighter at last,

And I got some faithful sidekicks and a freakin' angsty past.

It seems I had to fight my whole life through.

Though hunted by my people, my conscience never crack'd

I always fight for goodness and some weak ones I protect.

I tell ya, life ain't easy for a drow named 'Sue'.

I'm a drow, you should expect that I'd never feel mirth

But I'm everybody's darling, a leader from birth,

While the plot reveals my tragic inner strife.

But I made me a vow to the print and the press

That after this canon of heroic distress

I kill those guys that gave me that clichéd life.

So I went to a convention where those geeky gamers meet

And they let me in for free, for my 'costume' was so neat.

Oh fantasy gamers, a real nightmare come true.

And at the table of a certain gaming company

I spotted some novels that were featuring me,

And I had found those guys that made me become a 'Sue'.

But they said: "Son, let's face it, this market is rough,

And if a book's gonna make it, it's gotta be tough,

And we needed a hero to help Faerun along.

So we made you a Sue and the fans would buy.

We knew you'd have to sell or die,

And it's the angst that helped to make you strong.

Now you see the people just want it like this,

The adventures of a Sue, and they read it with bliss

For all boys and girls want just to be like you.

So we sell an old dream, and fans are in love

For who didn't want to be so handsome and tough?

And from time to time everyone just needs a 'Sue'."

When Drizzt was done, the elves could not help but clap at his bravery. They also clapped in the hope that the PPC lecture would be over. They had forgotten about the covered rectangle, however, which was now emitting odd noises. "Now," Agent Miiro continued. "The second step to acceptance is confrontation." With a nod to Agent Bridger, they flung the covers off of the mysterious objects in unison. Legolas screamed in uninhibited terror.

**A/N:** Don't worry; we do have the rest of this episode already written. Notice: this story will be moved back to the DL subcategory with the posting of the next chapter. Our goal had been to gain a throng of new readers, but unfortunately, we only got one, and lost several! So, for the next update, we will be back in the R section of DragonLance. Now, to our lovely reviewers:

Insanetedyz: Hope you didn't mind our mutilation of your diary idea! We just had to. I'm really glad you think so highly of our writing skills. And no worries about the extra review: a review is a review is a review! Wow, so glad you think we're actually keeping everyone in character. With this kind of fic, it can get rather hard at times.

Guan: You're right, they don't, but we can always hope. Glad you enjoyed.

LadyJanelly: Welcome, wonderful new reader! Yay, we've finally gotten an abuser on board. Checks bio page Wow, you really are an abuser! Glad you can take all of this in good humor. Thanks for reviewing, and we hope you continue to read and review.

Jade Limill: Yes, Thranduil is abused quite a lot, isn't he? Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!

Lazy.kender: Hehe, no problem about not noticing us, just glad you found us again! Yes, that part was written by me (Dally) and I had a good laugh while writing it. Name change duly noted!

SorcerousOne: Yes, you're getting a response because you didn't review the last chapter! (To anyone like me who reads responses to other people, I (Dally) do know SorcerousOne from off of this site. I'm not a stalker, I swear! ) Anyway, resuming our discussion of a few months ago regarding people who hide a sinister side under a good exterior, lets just say this: If you don't review these two chapters soon, the Mauler of Wolves will be on your tail!


	7. Hello, MarySue, Goodbye Heart

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing and no one, save ourselves. No elves were harmed in the making of this chapter.

**Hello, Mary-Sue, Goodbye Heart**

Out of the box jumped a being from Legolas' most frightful nightmares. A beautiful blond human girl whose long golden hair flowed gracefully over her backside. It fell elegantly along her rosy cheeks and cascaded around her slightly pointed ears. Apparently, she was a half-elf. The girl had beautiful blue eyes which could only be described as breathtaking. Like her hair, they shimmered and sparkled, even in the dim light of the inn. All in all she was surrounded by an aura of beauty and grace. Whoever sat his eyes on her couldn't help but feeling his heart flutter in romantic excitement. (Especially if the observer was a male.) Then, the girl began to speak.

"Hello," she said with an almost musically vibrating voice "I am Liralala." At this point, something strange happened. All male elves in the room and even Agent Bridger closed their eyes a bit as if they were in a trance. Legolas desperately tried to fight the strong spell the girl had cast over him. He winced and struggled a bit longer against the strange emotion the girl's presence invoked in him. In a desperate effort to escape from her unnerving glare, he dove under the table with an effeminate squeak. However, none could overcome the power of the Sue. He could feel her eyes boring into him through the thick wood, and could finally do nothing more than emerge once more.

In end he knew that she was simply irresistible and all his efforts to keep some brain capacity working were doomed from the moment she had left the box.

"I'm such a wretched creature," she said with a sobbing tone. That caused all the males to frantically search their pockets for handkerchiefs. "Do you like me?" the girl finally asked and smiled shyly, hoping for sympathy.

"WE LOVE YOU!" the guys cried in unison. At this moment Galdadriel couldn't help it anymore and burst out in laughter. She had had to suppress a giggle from the moment that the girl had opened her mouth. Even Agent Miiro's lips had twitched a bit, until she had noticed her fellow Agent's reaction.

"You found an extreme specimen for your demonstration. I'm impressed!" Galadriel whispered at the only person in the room besides her who still had some brain cells left. Miiro nodded, not so amused anymore.

"Yes, she was the most dangerous 'MS' we could find in our prison cells. The PPC called hera "mother of Sues". We suspect that she is probably a progenitor of a whole bunch of half-elf Sues." At this point Galadriel didn't listen anymore. The graceful elven Lady had fallen quite ungracefully from her chair laughing. But the scene in front of her eyes could only drive the any helpless observer into a hysteric laughing fit. While Miiro and Galadriel had discussed Liralala's danger potential, the Sue had raised her voice again.

"I come from the Earth and I need your help to find my place in this world and a new identity and man to share my life of pink unicorns and honey bees with. Of course, my hero, our love will be difficult and incredibly tragical, because in course of our wonderful relationship, I will be captured a thousand times before we can make sweet love, I will be hunted by many men who want to posses my beauty and my incredible, undiscovered magical talents. Anyway, you, the man of my heart will be my true love and love me you must. Who wants to be my hero?" Her simple question transformed the group instantly into babbling chaos.

"TAKE ME!" Skywise said and ran into Liralala's direction. He ignored the fact that she was nearly twice his height. "I'm the man you want. I'm the greatest love machine in this dimension-"

Before Liralala could react, she was stopped by Elrond and Thranduil. "Age goes before tantric knowledge!" Elrond hissed. He shoved Skywise back and fell on his knees in front of Liralala. "I'm the man you need." he cried. "I can make you the honored Lady of Rivendell." Rivendell's lord seemed to have conveniently forgotten that the love of his life waited faithfully for him in the Undying Lands.

"My kingdom is greater then yours!" Thranduil punched Elrond in the neck, making him fall over. The King of Mirkwood was behaving in an infantile, unelvish manner. "Who needs this worthless half elf, if they can have a REAL elf? Choose me, Lady, and Mirkwood is all yours." He too seemed to have forgotten all about his wife.

"At least I'm an half elf. I can understand her like no one else can." Elrond mumbled, from his sprawled position on the floor. It was not easy to speak with Thranduil's boot on his spine. Liralala tried to say something but then she was hauled backwards and right in the arms of Zelgadis. "You don't need those gay elves, you can have a man rockhard as stone with the mysterious aura of tragedy and magic! I will please you, my sweet golden girl like no other man befo-" At this point a fireball hit Zelgadis turning him into a yelping marred heap on the floor. Fortunately for him his anime heritage saved him from taking any serious damage.

With an elegant move, Dalamar stepped into Zelgadis' position. "Liralala, my dear. I saw you and I just knew I loved you. I never trust people easily. But I feel it is different with you. It maybe utterly foolish to trust an absolute stranger, but I know that you have a pure, loving heart and I know you will forgive me all my evil deeds and that you can love a black robe." Liralala only nodded and sank into Dalamar's embrace. They kissed. The couple was caught in a bubble of romance. Little fluffy hearts and cherry blossoms appeared suddenly and hovered in the air around them. They stood still as if in the eye of the storm that raged around them.

Elrohir and Elladan had started a fight while they had tried to hinder each other from coming to near to Liralala. Their fight had turned into a stalwart brawl that included Drizzt, Agent Bridger, the twins'father, and basically any other elf besides Legolas. Legolas was the only male elf who had finally built up some kind of resistance against Liralala's terrible power of romance, but this resistance came at the cost of an extreme phobia.

Sobbing, he crouched next to Galadriel and clutchedat her legs. "Save me." he cried in utter panic. "Save me from this monster!" It was Agent Miiro who chose that enough was enough and the demonstration had been more than successful. With a very sore face, she reached for her weapon, aimed at Liralala and fired.

PENG!

The Sue managed to produce one surprised sigh and slumped down lifelessly in Dalamar's arms. Instanly the spook was gone. The elves stopped punching and kicking each other and screaming obscenities and Dalamar stared unbelievingly at the girl in his arms. When had he embraced the girl? And why? His memory of the last five minutes was strangely blurred.

Agent Bridger straightened his jacket. Suddenly his coolness and aloofness had come back. "Good shot!" he said and examined the dead Sue. His fellow agent had set a shot right through the heart. The Sue must have been dead instantly. Miiro was not someone to toy with.

The next few minutes passed in silence while the elves realized what had happened. When all of them were through with mutual apologies and Legolas had stopped sobbing, Miiro went back to the lecture.

"This was to demonstrate you the power of the Sues. But even if they seem irresistible, there is a way to get rid of them. I mean, besides anine millimeter. The trick is to see through her. Now look at her." Hesistantly the elves stepped nearer. The memories of what the Sue had done to them were still very present in their minds and, anyway, none of them were eager to see a corpse. None, however, dared to contradict the even more dangerous agent. When they looked at Liralala, they were surprised. The achingly beautiful girl had turned into a completely normal human. Her hair was much shorter, brown and even a bit greasy. It wasn't nearly as gorgeous as it had been.

She was small for a human, thin with not much of a chest. Her figure was far from perfect now. Her thighs were stronger then before, less goddess-like. Her perfect nails were short now and looked as if she probably had chewed on them. Her eyes were still blue but the unnatural sparkle had gone. There she was, a very human looking girl with freckles on her nose.

"You see?" Agent Miiro said. "THIS is the truth behind the beauty. THIS is reality."

Zelgadis bent over the dead girl. "Hm..." he said. "Though I don't feel compelled to love this women, she looks more likable then the sex goddess we saw before. I might have liked to know her."

Miiro grinned. "Don't feel too much pity for her. She is better off dead then alive as a Sue. Only a dead Sue is a good Sue." At this comment Drizzt choked hard. Miiro cast him a reproving glance. "Male canon Sues excluded."

"But still... I don't like people to get killed in our elf-group. This may ruin what is left of our good reputation." Dalamar stated, offended. When he had invited the agents he hadn't meant to have the evening end in murder.

A soft chiming voice whispered words of comfort in his ear. "You know, in fanfiction people never die. They just wait for the sequel." Dalamar turned around looking for the speaker. He found Tinkerbell hovering over his shoulder. The little fairy had spent the evening hidden in Galadriel's long hair and nobody had given any attention to her until that very moment. "But if you feel sad about her death, there is a way to revive her again." she said.

When Dalamar and the other elves looked at her expectantly, she continued. "It is simple. You just have to clap your hands and have to say three times: 'I do believe in Mary Sues!' Then she will become alive again."

Dalamar crossed his arms. "That's the most infantile spell I've ever heard of!"

Tinkerbell looked offended. "Phhh..." The fairy floated to the window. "If you don't want my help..." She vanished behind a flowerpot and sulked.

Dalamar sighed. They were stuck between two equally stupid options. Either behaving like a group of complete idiots, or having a corpse on the floor, which definitely wouldn't be appreciated by the bartender. He sighed. Well, things couldn't get any worse, could they? "I do believe in Sues" he finally sighed, resigned, hoping the others would be collegial enough to join.

"You have to clap!" came from behind the flowerpot.

Finally they all clapped and cried out "I do believe in Sues." Unexpectedly, Legolas showed the bravery that got him hordes of fangirls to begin with, and joined in. And even the agents clapped inconspicuously, when nobody was watching them. When all of them had uttered the horrible phrase several times, suddenly the wound in the girl's chest closed and she opened her eyes. She stayed the way she was, though.

"Thank you." she said. "When you killed me, you freed me from the Sue curse. You know, I was a dreaded Sue and Slash hunter, long ago. They called me the queen of parodies. I made fun of Sues and other clichés. But then, several authoresses who didn't like me because I made fun of them grouped together and cast a terrible curse on me. From then on I was doomed to be the worst Mary Sue ever seen. I lived a life imprisoned in stereotypes. Now you have freed me, fearless agents, brave elves. And you gave me a new life. I'll be eternally thankful. Now I go home and write a story of my own without elves and Sues. But maybe, some of you will meet me again. With these words her shape began to shimmer and flare.

"Wait. What's your name?" Dalamar cried out. If someone owed them a favor he wanted at least to know who that was.

"My name is Petalwing..." they heard a soft whisper and a giggle and then she was gone, leaving an astonished group of elves and agents.

**A/N:** Sorry that took so long: Dally's fault this time! Pet had some responses for readers, so her comments will be marked. (Usually Dally does those.)

Guan: Yes, Drizzt is a very brave soul for that. I guess facing down the PPC is a lot more terrifying than public humiliation, but still. And yes, we're glad to be returning home to DL as well!

Ahn-Li Steffraini: (From Pet) Glad you're still here in the lovely Ffnet. By the way, when will you update again? (From Dally) Ouch – sometimes, computers can be so annoying! And ditto to Pet's question about your updates. I miss your updates!

JunoMagic: (From Pet) Yeah. I love that song too. But when I heard it for the first time, I couldn't help myself. This cried for being a filk. (From Dally) I got a good laugh out of the song too, especially Pet's adaptation.

LadyJanelly: (From Pet) No, you're not the only abuser here. We also make fun of ourselves in ESGAME. So far, we're our favorite targets. Dally is the "obsessive authoress" and I - , well I, oh, just look above. And Faerun is a nest of Maurice Stus. They are still not as bad as James Bond… (From Dally) Correction to my earlier statement: (as far as we know) you're our only _slash_ abuser… That I know of… Happy to see so many people recognized the song, and that others agree with our conclusion about Drizzt!

Lazy.kender: (From Pet) Hm, an interesting idea… We will see… (From Dally) Personally, I never get annoyed with reviewers, unless they're either illiterate or insulting, and you fall into neither category. Heh, and yes, I agree – I don't think Raist would be to pleased to find out that his apprentice needed a support group…

SorcerousOne: No complaints about our characterization for this chapter? Raised eyebrow You're falling behind! As to the song – can't take credit for more than one line. Johnny Cash wrote the original, and Pet changed most of the lyrics. I do write other filks though. As to being afraid, you ain't seen nothing yet! Evil laugh Disclaimer: this response contains no subliminal messaging!

Hakatri: Hmm, which of the series of StarTrek did the Q come from? I don't seem to remember them… Hangs head in shame Well, Leggy-poo (I hate his nicknames too!) didn't die of shock, but came close! Welcome aboard, and I hope you continue to read and review.


	8. Aren't You Kinda Glad Or Springtime is C...

**Disclaimer: **The elves don't belong to us. The song doesn't belong to us. The two stories mentioned are used with the permission of their authoresses.

**Note:** Please, please, read the whole chapter before sending a really nasty flame.

**Warning:** Both of Dally's muses (Fie and Sadi) cooperated in the making of this chapter, so unjust flames will be punished!

**Aren't You Kind of Glad... or Springtime is Coming... or Help, I Need Somebody!**

The annual spring rain had settled in Palanthas, for several days it seemed impossible to find a dry spot if you were outside. The sky tormented the city day and night with huge drops as if it tried to turn Palanthas into a water world like that which was said to reside under the Blood Sea of Istar. Tonight, a thunderstorm accompanied the rain. Under the wind, the trees of the Shoikan Grove waved back and forth like gripping skeletal hands. The creaking of the old trees sounded like soft moans of despair and completed this clouded night's atmosphere of darkness and tension.

Dalamar Argent had not even noticed the annoying weather. He sat in the cozy library in the Tower of High Sorcery and was bent over a text. While he read, a frustrated line appeared between his brows. In his hands he held newest excerpt of his personal humiliation and one of the worst kind. It had been written by some human girl named "Pippychick." Of course it was about him and Raistlin. Who else... If it came down to having Dalamar at his knees and out of his mind, it was usually Raistlin who did the abuse. THAT story could fill a whole evening for the ESGAME group. Only the poor remnants of his self-esteem kept Dalamar from taking the manuscript to their meeting. He could imagine Skywise snickering behind his glass of wine or Galadriel having that certain expression of pity and wisdom written across her face. And he could perfectly foretell how such an evening would finally end. He, Elrond, and probably Drizzt or Zelgadis would drown their frustration in wine. But becoming alcoholics was not a solution, either.

He read on. A strange mixture of utter aversion and rapt fascination kept him reading. On page 2 he wanted to cry, on page 3 to laugh and on page 4, he finally did cry out. "Oh my god, she made me beg?" His face burned in humiliation. One of the tower-ghosts that floated by, interrupted his movement, and hovered next to Dalamar, until the mage waved the creature away. Wonderful, even undead spirits pitied him.

"As if somebody would write that about you..." he muttered at the disappearing spectre. This evening had only one good aspect at all, the fact that Raistlin wasn't here to pop in, get the manuscript into his hands and make some witty remarks on the fact how easily the will of an elf could be broken. The archmage had left half an hour ago in order to visit Astinus. Or somebody else. Or maybe he planned a secret sleep-over at the temple of this idealistic cleric who-was-certainly-and-absolutely-really-truly-not-his-lover. It was not as if Dalamar really cared. However, his Shalafi, with his sarcastic attitude, was, of course, much less angered by these stories then Dalamar.

Why should he? The fans often had Raistlin find comfort, love and power and what did he get? Either he was the one giving the comfort or he was hopelessly smitten and craving even tiny bits of his Master's sympathy. Or even acknowledgement, which usually came along with pain. Which brought him back to the current concoction. And no solution in sight. He truly hated his creators for the "burning-hand-scene". Dalamar was sure that was the main reason for his persistent masochist image.

The spectre came back. Dalamar felt the skin on his neck tingle a bit. That was the spectres' equivalent of saying 'hello'. He turned around, inclined to let his frustration out on the annoying ghost. "WHAT!"

A soft whisper from a voiceless voice answered. "The dooooor. Visitooor..." Dalamar put down his book and spoke a quick spell. And, indeed, he felt an aura of life at the outer front door. A guest? It couldn't be his Shalafi; Raistlin wouldn't appear on the doorstep, he usually teleported directly into the room of his choice. Who could that be, who had enough bravery and strength to enter the Forbidden Grove and make it out alive

Dalamar knew only one person who ever had... Oh no! Hopefully it was not his Shalafi's sister. Kitiara meant trouble and all he wanted now were some quiet hours of peace. He also didn't want her to see the book of slash. Her reaction was likely to be even more demeaning than that of his Shalafi. Still, there was somebody at the door and Dalamar had better find out who, or, most certainly, trouble would occur in one way or the other. He carefully his the book amongst the other volumes of the library. Sighing he left the room.

When he finally opened the door he was prepared to repel everybody from a kender trader trying to sell him carpet-cleaner or other pointless wares to a cleric of Palandine who would try to convert him to the 'true belief'. But the visitor was neither a kender nor a cleric. In fact, it was another elf.

"Drizzt? What are you doing here?" The drow looked horrible. His hair and clothes were soaking wet and it was obvious that he was depressed for some reason. "Dalamar, I would be very thankful if I could come in. I know, it's late and you didn't expect me but the weather is wearing me down."

Dalamar realized that he had let himself being carried away by his own surprise and quickly stepped back giving the entrance free. "Of course. Come in." Dalamar wondered what kind of tragedy or shock could make the steadfast drow susceptible to something as trivial as bad weather. He hid his puzzlement. "Well, Drizzt Do'Urden, what a surprise. And surely a good one." From all beings he knew, Drizzt was probably the only company he wouldn't mind having around. Perhaps, he might even be one of the few people that Dalamar could call a friend. Out of all of the elves in their group Drizzt was the most likable. From the beginning on there had been a silent, mutual understanding between both of them. A kind of sympathy that didn't need words or explanations. It had simply been there right from the start. Maybe that was due to the fact that they were both, in certain ways, dark elves. Or maybe not...

Oh, it really wasn't my intention

To disregard convention

It was just an impulse

That had to be obeyed.

Later, when they both had settled in the library and had made themselves comfortable, Dalamar had to admit that he was curious as to what had caused Drizzt to visit Krynn this evening. Meanwhile, the drow had changed clothes. He now wore a black robe out of Dalamar's possession. They were both nearly the same size, though Drizzt, the fighter, was slightly more muscled then Dalamar. This garment looked strange on him Unusual to Dalamar's eyes, but nevertheless striking.

Drizzt obviously didn't share this opinion he looked down at himself quite a few times, smiling uneasily. "Not my usual color." he said "Or my style. I bet I look like a ghost. And fighting seems damn near to impossible." Dalamar smiled and leaned back into the silken cushions of his chair. "You won't have to fight here. It may sound ironic to you, but this is a safe place. And I don't care what you wear." Still, seeing this special elf wearing these clothes was amusing, and to a certain point, fascinating.

"Tell me, what made you come here?" he asked eventually, handing the other elf a mug of hot tea. Drizzt stared into his mug while he said quietly "I needed somebody to talk to. And you were the only one I could think of. Breunor would not understand, and I don't feel like I can confide in anyone else on my world."

To his own surprise Dalamar felt his heart flutter at the thought that Drizzt had chose him over anybody else. He noticed that his treacherous heart had beaten faster since Drizzt's unexpected arrival. Dalamar had chosen to ignore it. He was simply tired. Yes, and that was that. He hid his emotions though and asked calmly what depressed his companion so profoundly.

"You know." Drizzt stuttered. "It is HER again."

"Her?"

"Hakatri. A twisted authoress who loves to torture elves and dark elves. Her favorites are elves tortured by dark elves. Usually, she sticks to her own characters but sometimes she borrows me. And that is... she... it was..." Drizzt couldn't finish the sentence. He looked shaken and his hands trembled.

Dalamar didn't want to push his companion on that sensitive topic,so he only leaned forward, reached for the teapot to refill Drizzt mug. Absently Drizzt held his mug into Dalamar's direction, but the usually so composed fighter shivered still from the images in his mind. Dalamar reached for the mug to stabilize it so he wouldn't spill the tea over Drizzt ruining another set of clothes. Their fingers touched accidentally. Suddenly Dalamar felt a sweet electrifying wave rushing through his fingers. Drizzt must have felt the same. They both winced and pulled back, breaking the contact. For a second none of the knew what to say, both elves too bewildered by the incident.

Finally, Drizzt hemmed softly and took up the lost thread of their conversation. "And how did you fare today?" Dalamar ignored the part of his mind that tried to make him analyze what he just had felt and grimaced. "Not much better then you did, I guess." he said. "Here." He pulled the book from its hiding place and handed Drizzt the disgusting manuscript. Suddenly he found it unexpectedly easy to share his hardships with Drizzt. Especially after the confession the other elf had made. Drizzt merely raised a white eyebrow.

"And I thought I had problems..." he muttered after a while. Dalamar smiled inwardly. If this... thing... helped to give a depressed Drizzt some consolation it was maybe not completely pointless. Drizzt finished the manuscripts and Dalamar noticed a slight shade of pink on the drow's cheeks. The story had embarrassed him. The fighter looked younger, innocent and, there was no way to deny it, quite handsome.

Eventually Drizzt reached into a bag he had brought with him and handed Dalamar a pile of papers. The rain had partially ruined the material but Dalamar was sure he could still decipher the content. "Here, this is... what I came for." Drizzt said and the roles switched. Now, Dalamar was the one reading while Drizzt watched him nervously. When he had finished, Dalamar looked up. "I see, this is... special." He said.

"Its not because I am raped again. No its..."

"Because it is a first-time-story." Dalamar finished the sentence.

"Yes:" Drizzt nodded once. "It's a first time, and though I am victimized as usual, she makes me enjoy it. In a feral sense. Enjoy! As if I wanted to be with a man."

Dalamar's next question came over his lips before he could stop it. The impulse had come too quickly. "And? Do you?"

Drizzt stared at him, flabbergasted. "Dalamar..."

The elven mage slapped himself mentally for this unfitting remark. But it was to late to take it back. He tried to downplay the painful situation with a smile. "It was a joke, Drizzt. Just a joke."

"Ah. Haha." Drizzt gave a strained fake laugh. He helped himself to more tea.

"No really, I didn't mean that. Of course I don't think that you..."In just one minute, the conversation had turned into a disaster. Dalamar decided that now the time had come for something stronger than tea. He went over to a small cupboard and poured himself a glass of port wine. He mediated one moment over it and decided to bring the bottle and a second glass over their sitting place.

Though it seems convention we've been scorning:

I'll still not go in mourning

Though my reputation

Is blemished, I'm afraid.

Drizzt accepted the second glass gratefully. "No, its all right, I know you didn't mean to embarrass me. I'm just really on edge today." He gulped back the good port in one swig. Dalamar decided that he should get something a bit less fine, and a lot stronger, for them to drink. He didn't think that Raistlin would be pleased if he found his best bottle of port completely demolished.

"Since you asked, though, have you ever been with another man?" Drizzt smiled jokingly. Dalamar didn't respond, but the faint blush that crept up his ears and onto his cheeks was enough of an answer. Drizzt realized that his innocent question hit upon a point that Dalamar had wanted to remain hidden. "Is it always this bad?" He motioned to the large book he had in his lap.

Unfortunately, Dalamar had just looked away to motion for one of the spectres to put more wood on the roaring fire. "What!" His blush deepened, revealing more than he'd wanted to. He then saw Drizzt's hand on the book. "Oh, that. Most of the time. You'd think that the Earthlings never heard of male roommates. Not that we even share the same room, mind you. Not that I'd want to, because I definitely could never be attracted to that callous, monstrous human…" Dalamar stopped midsentence as he realized he'd been babbling.

After a few moments of slightly uncomfortable silence, Dalamar spoke again. "You know," Dalamar was starting to feel a pleasant loss of inhibitions. Elves never were ones for lots of strong drink. "It really is good." Drizzt looked at him dumbly. "Being with a man." Drizzt's deep blush was obvious even under his dark skin.

With another sudden change of subject, Dalamar looked at Drizzt quizzically. "You're a virgin, aren't you?"

"Wha… Wha… No!" Drizzt was incensed. "And it was very pleasant, thank you very much."

"Very pleasant? That's all you have to say? My dear friend, if that's an adequate description, you are quite deprived, both in fanfiction and reality." Before Drizzt could react, Dalamar was leaning across the table and kissing the other dark elf passionately. Without quite knowing why, Drizzt felt himself adoring the other elf's touch, never wanting him to let go. In his passion, he climbed across the table, his lips never parting from Dalamar's.

Dalamar gently broke away from the other elf's frantic embrace. "I trust that that was more than simply 'very pleasant'?" He raised an elegant eyebrow.

What's done is done

But wasn't and isn't it fun?

With just one kiss

What heaven, what rapture, what bliss

Drizzt could only nod, shaking. For a moment, he could only sit in silence. "I never realized that it could be so … so right."

Dalamar smiled, a smile that went from his smooth lips all the way to illuminate his beautiful eyes. "Of course it can. Why do you think it is called love?" He kissed Drizzt again, more tenderly this time, and with less need.

Drizzt, however, pulled the other elf closer. Dalamar, who had held back out of respect for the less experienced drow, consented to the other's need and deepened the kiss. Gently, his tongue opened Drizzt's mouth and probed tenderly. Drizzt was taken by surprise for a second, but soon returned the kiss with equal intensity. Again, Dalamar pulled away. Drizzt looked stricken, worried that he had done something wrong. His worried query, however, turned to a moan as Dalamar started to lick and nibble on his ear.

Drizzt started to unfasten the top of Dalamar's robes, but the dark elf whispered "Lets go somewhere more comfortable." Dalamar clutched the other elf tighter, and they both felt a momentary disorientation as Dalamar transported them to his rooms. Drizzt knew he should be disconcerted by the black décor that reminded him too much of his childhood in Menzoberranzan. However, with Dalamar there, he felt a sense of security and well being that he'd never felt at home.

"If someone had asked me this morning, I would have never guessed that I would even acknowledge these desires to myself..." Drizzt murmured against Dalamar's neck. The smell of the mage's herbal spell components and the obvious scent of arousal were an irresistible, intoxicating mixture. The drow closed his eyes and placed a trail of kisses along the soft white skin. "Or that they'd be fulfilled in such a way..." he added between the kisses.

Meanwhile, Dalamar had opened the collar of Drizzt's robe with skilled fingers. He chuckled softly. Dalamar's breath brushed tantalizingly slowly over Drizzt's skin, making the drow moan in pleasure. Dalamar obviously enjoyed the power he had over his partner and stripped him further.

"That's the advantage of being a Sue, Drizzt. You'll always get what you really want. You don't even need to say it out loud..."

"Hm... never saw it that... oh... don't tickle me... that...way... gods, your hands are incredib-"

The sentence was broken by another passionate kiss. Drizzt helped Dalamar out of his robes, and couldn't help marvel at the mage's excellent physique. Suddenly, however, he noticed a flaw. "What are those?" His voice was raw with concealed passion.

Dalamar looked down at his chest as though he'd forgotten about the five bleeding burns that were a permanent fixture there. "I was a spy for the Conclave, and my Shalafi did that when he found about my other loyalty." He could not understand why he was being so frank and open with a person he barely even knew. It was almost like the compulsion of Liralala, except for the fact that he knew that he was in full control of his facilities. He panted as Drizzt gently licked away the five drops of blood.

Honestly, I thought you wouldn't.

Naturally, you thought you couldn't.

And probably we shouldn't.

But aren't you kind of glad we did?

"I know we don't even know each other very well," Drizzt panted as Dalamar kissed his neck and body. "But I've been attracted to you since the moment we met. My sarcasm hid feelings I didn't wish to acknowledge. I guess I feel a bond to you, since we're both dark elves, and apart from our people."

"Shhh." Dalamar put a finger over Drizzt's mouth, as he put his own mouth somewhere that made Drizzt gasp in surprise and pleasure. "Better than 'very pleasant'. Much better." Drizzt panted.

"Now, want to find out whether or not its always bad?" Dalamar smiled coyly at Drizzt and…

… We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important message. APRIL FOOLS! Hah, bet you all thought we would actually do that, didn't you? We'd never do that to two of our favorite elves.

_Dally: "This chapter proves that in fanfiction you can easily couple everybody with everybody, no matter how unlikely that is!"_

Actually, it all was blameless.

Nevertheless, they'll call it shameless

So let's keep the lady nameless

But aren't you kind of glad we did?

_Dally: "I'd rather stay nameless, I can tell you."_

_Petalwing: "To late, dear... anyway this also proves that you can write a whole chapter with a certain set of sentences that have been used innumerable times without anybody noticing it!"_

Socially, I'll be an outcast

Obviously, we dined alone

On my good name there will be doubt cast

With never a sign of any chaperone.

_Dally: "We additionally have to inform you that in respect to our protagonists' personal feelings, stunt doubles were used in this chapter to spare them all bodily action."_

_Petalwing: "Of course!"_

No matter how they may construe it

Whether or not, we have to rue it

Whatever made us do it

Say, aren't you kind of glad we did?

Whatever made us do it

Say, aren't you kind of glad we did

_Petalwing: "Yes, I definitely had a lot of fun."_

_Dally: "Yes, me too."_

_Dally and Petalwing: "And now, dear readers? Was it as good for you as it was for us? So, we really hope you enjoyed our little practical joke, and took it in good humor. Now, please review!"_

_PS: The song we used is: "Aren't You Kind of Glad We Did?" by George and Ira Gershwin_

**To Our Readers:**

Lazy.kender: Lately, Dalamar's gotten a lot fewer Sues than dearest Raist, but all males are affected! Hopefully this was a fast enough update to escape the lasso again!

Pippychick: (From Pet) Legolas/Treebeard? Oh my god, this sick world we live in… (From Dally) Eew, I think Legolas/Treebeard is now going on the mental list of 'wrongest couples'. Thanks for joining us! And even more thanks for the inspiration for the beginning of the chapter!

Guan: Glad, as always, that you enjoyed.

Hakatri: (From Pet) Well, the diary entries… we'll see to that. (From Dally) Hmm, I need to watch more reruns then! And I think we've got the perfect way to bring on some (more) embarrassment! Thanks for reading, contributing to this chapter, and taking our little jokes in good humor.

Curai Katt: (From Pet) At your service… LOL. But you scare me a bit. Are you a telepath? How the hell did you know? (From Dally) Wow, was that a lucky guess, telepathy, or were you the only reader who actually caught our little hints leading up to this chapter? We've actually been plotting this since the very beginning, so we tried to leave subtle hints wherever possible, but no one (but you?) picked up on them!

SorcerousOne: Guess one of us reading the books really does help with characterization… Well, before you start to e-curse me for this chapter, I do hope you appreciate all of the effort this took me to write. And yes, most of the more graphic stuff was mine! Hope you enjoyed our little prank, and a happy April Fools to you! (And no, this chapter contained no subliminal messaging, even though it contained both of our favorite characters, in a rather embarrassing situation!)


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